peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
