Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
Randomize
