good thing vaginas are great cup holders
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
soo... how was my night?
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
