Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
