I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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