he got wood on it!
i know. i had to sit in his lap on the plane. he also wore teva sandals.
...i was talking about hockey
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
