remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
