I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Randomize
