The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
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