porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
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