I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
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