Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
heading to class now, facing the weekend consquences
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
Randomize
