I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
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