oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Randomize
