My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Randomize
