If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
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