my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
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