I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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