The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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