Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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