yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
