remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
Pregaming class all semester has made this final review session more like my introduction to the topic.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
