I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
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