barbara walters just said penis...
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
