Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
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