So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
Randomize
