the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Randomize
