lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce
IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize
