y did u give ur computer a hand job?
There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
