So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
Randomize
