Do vagina's smell?
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
Randomize
