I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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