Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
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