You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
All I'm saying is that she needs to invest in some razors. But her head game is great. The pros and cons in last minute hook-ups
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
