she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
Randomize
