I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
