I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
