I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
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