Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
Floor bacon is actually really good
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
Randomize
