Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
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