Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Randomize
