walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
Randomize
