Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
