did you get engaged???
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
well most of my day revolves around power hour
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
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