My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
The chlamydia really affected his face.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
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