Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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