Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
We're too hungover to prance.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
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