mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
I smell like Dick and happiness
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
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