Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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