I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Randomize
