textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
Randomize
