i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
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